Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
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My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.