[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
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As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother