My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.