shit just got real
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Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother