I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
You Might Also Like
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan