[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
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The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Every time.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere