The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
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Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.