Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
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Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
how much does a mortician urn in a year
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.