you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
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The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today