Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
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nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
The Compass
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go