12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
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Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Pot warmers of the day.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.