*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
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exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.