Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The struggle is real.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Finally, a door that understands me
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable