[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
You Might Also Like
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Noah
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo