ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
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Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.