I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
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7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Bless you
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”