‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Cats are still liquid.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable