Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
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Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
October already? What’s next? November????
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
This is why I hate group projects
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week