How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
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Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for