Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
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*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I love art.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!