i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
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*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
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I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”