Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
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The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
#NoRestForTheWicked
How to make infinite energy.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?