Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
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My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Mouse
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.