If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.