I think we should hear other voices.
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[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Holy crap this is wonderful
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.