here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Yup….perfect score!
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed