I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
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Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!