[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
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[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min