Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.