me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
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What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
“The Perfect Relationship”
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)