Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Tough love is true love
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.