Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions