Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
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if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
A fake ID that makes you younger
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”