“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.