Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
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[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.