I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
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My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.