Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG