Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…