Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
You Might Also Like
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Welcome to the stomach
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket