My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.