*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
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Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!