[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Perfect
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
starting a garage orchestra
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked