My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
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If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
#gardening
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
tinder is all about the long game
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.