When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
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He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what