Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I am patiently waiting for your email
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.