Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
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The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
same energy
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.