6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
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New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book