Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
the rocks need my help
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.