If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”