The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is